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When I slept at night, I would occasionally brush my arm against it. I would scratch it until it bled, praying that somehow it would disappear so I could embrace the release that was sleep. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/61afa051ed52917debd5cb05/670a2cd9-6d0c-4bb6-81f3-28e4b7bb7b50/tongue.jpg Portfolios - IV Pennies--Before and after every chemotherapy infusion, nurses do what’s known as a “saline flush.” The mixture of salt and water is designed to not only sterilize intravenous lines, but to force any medication left in the line into your vein. Its main side effect is a taste in patients’ mouths: copper pennies. After countless flushes, my body associated the penny taste to infusion, and I would gag until it dissipated. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/61afa051ed52917debd5cb05/a98d2209-19fd-4a92-b3d1-f02613c00d34/Duck+Feathers.jpg Portfolios - IV Duck Feathers--Three weeks and four days into my treatment, I woke up only to see a web of brown strands on my pillow. I could only watch as the coarse, thick hair that my dad had always called “duck feathers” fell from my head. Tears came to my eyes as I truly realized for the first time that I was a cancer patient. I shaved the rest of my head just hours later. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/61afa051ed52917debd5cb05/dfcd88a6-42bb-4667-9ae9-7e4cde788fa1/Image+9.jpg Portfolios - IV Tegaderm--After checking in for each infusion, the nurse taking my vitals would glance at her computer and ask for my arm as she fastened an allergy bracelet to my wrist. I would walk to the infusion room, cursing myself for letting my arm be tagged with such a defining constriction. As I felt the overtight plastic begin to pool the blood under my skin, I couldn’t help but relate the hold it had on my hand to cancer’s hold on my mentality. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/61afa051ed52917debd5cb05/f9742dca-0722-4b35-9c53-e7fd47bbdacb/Image+10.jpg Portfolios - IV Liquid Gold--I kept a bag of pineapples on my bedroom floor. My anxiety the mornings before infusions caused such violent nausea that smelling the juice I squeezed out of bagged pineapples as I sat against my wall was the only way I could escape vomiting. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/61afa051ed52917debd5cb05/933f3f8b-53b2-49c1-90da-40f2671d218b/fuckthispt2.jpg Portfolios - IV Red Devil--Doxorubicin is one of the most toxic chemotherapy drugs in the world. Called “The Red Devil,” it gets its name from its bright red color. The feeling that came over my body as it dripped into my system can only be described as hell, making the nickname all the more accurate. One side effect of the drug is reddish-colored urine. Even post-infusion, the unsettling sight brought back the pain I was so eager to never feel again. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/61afa051ed52917debd5cb05/1ec6206d-d725-4b38-bdbf-ec030fd4c9c4/elevator+copy.jpg Portfolios - IV Piso Seis--The elevator leading to the 6th floor of Children’s Hospital was called the train elevator. Upon arrival at the floor, the overhead speaker would loudly ring, “Piso seis!” before letting out an obnoxious “Choo-Choo!” The forced positivity made me angry, especially for an elevator leading to a floor completely devoid of it. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/61afa051ed52917debd5cb05/a48836c0-dd14-4f94-802f-3a589e111602/vpaulcloset+copy.jpg Portfolios - IV Straitjacket--In my mind, the hospital gown signaled weakness, vulnerability, and convalescence. The material felt sterile, and whenever I wore it, I felt like the gown was devouring me. In my pursuit of normalcy, the last thing I wanted to do was look in my closet and see a reminder that I was sick, that I was a patient, and that I had cancer. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/61afa051ed52917debd5cb05/35035a04-ed43-4149-bbdf-eb848c874aab/ice.jpg Portfolios - IV Shiver--As I sat in a chair with the chemotherapy pumping into me, the chill resulting from the IV line that ran up my skin held me back from the sleep I so desperately wanted, and it served as a constant reminder of the frigid poison dripping into my chest. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/61afa051ed52917debd5cb05/e0a82392-0405-4e21-90ed-f8e6830dbba1/Image+8.jpg Portfolios - IV Not Available--With the steroids I was on, I went from skin and bones to overweight almost overnight. I struggled with my own body image. I was embarrassed, and I hated how sickly I looked. My pale skin, patchy head, filled out cheeks, and sunken eyes turned me into what I could only see as ghastly. I would lash out at friends and family trying to get me in photos. 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